This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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Dear Dr. Bird - Question of the Week Stop the Insanity! Examine the Values! Dear Dr. Bird, I was in the audience at the Northeast U.S. Character Education conference when you presented the keynote. After I left, I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said, “The worst kind of insanity is not schizophrenia or anxiety or depression- the worst kind of insanity is when we choose to be insane by mistreating loved ones, family, or co-workers. When we choose to ruin their day with harsh words or irretrievable hurtful comments, we are choosing the worst kind of insanity.” My question is, Dr. Bird, what’s the secret? I feel so bad when I snap at my children or the students in my classroom where I teach. I don’t like myself, I regret it, and I really want to stop my bitterness in those moments. Is there a technique for getting started? Sincerely, The Worst Kind of Insane Woman! Dear Insane, First of all, I want to reassure you that most parents and teachers have been where you are, but not all of them are willing to reflect. Without reflection, there is no hope. You’re off to a good start, and to answer your question, yes there are some techniques (or secrets, as you call them) to changing these behaviors. First, it starts with our thoughts (you’ve already started, you are reflecting on your behaviors). Next, we have to change the thoughts that precede the behavior. If you’ve got bad attitude, then you can only teach kids bad attitude. Bad attitude is- they are trying to ruin my day! I need to put them in their place! I need to teach them a lesson the hard way! All of these are projecting your anger outward. Change the attitude by examining your core values. Why do you believe it’s important to be on time for the school bus? Why is it important to do dishes? Why do we need to be polite? Why should we have a home or a classroom that is respectful? When you really examine your core values, I believe it will lead you back to yourself. You have bought into a set of core values about how to have the most productive home, and the most productive and respectful life. You’ve also bought into how it will benefit everyone if all of you can adopt these values. The question I have is this- Do you merely complain about how others are not living up to these values? Have you thought about how you really communicate these values? (It’s not just preaching them, but having a real dialogue.) At the conference you attended, I spent some time conversing with an Instructional Coach from the Schenectady City Schools district. She was describing an elementary school classroom that she would visit later in the week. She said that this classroom was filled with emotionally disturbed children. Some are students with special education needs, and most of them have learning disabilities. She said that the reason that the teacher was struggling so badly was that the kids kept pushing back against work, activities, and cooperation. On a daily basis they are throwing fits and controlling the classroom. This Schenectady instructional coach indicated that she would be spending an entire day in this classroom with one goal- To cooperatively work with the children to move toward a mutual core value. She wants them to buy into their education. She wants them to believe, as a core value, that what you are doing in school has meaning, purpose, and life value. You may look at this scenario and ask- Is it possible? The answer is yes. As this instructional coach described her strategies for the day, she also said that days like this can be the most agonizing of all tasks but in the end it would be worth it. She also said that it may take weeks and months to really get them on track. She starts by indicating that there would be a classroom intervention. No free time, no recess, no extracurricular activities, and no lunch (it will be brought in). Pitching fits will not work. Being rude and oppositional will not work. Disturbing others will result in no privileges. She said, “It starts with calmness, coolness, and a collective group effort, and we can only move forward when we all have a mutual value. All children want a better life, our job is not only to educate, but to show them how the value of education will benefit them for the rest of their lives.” This instructional coach said that her motto is “We can be very very firm, and still be very very kind, calm, and respectful at the same time.” The question is – are you really willing to communicate these values and find common ground between yourself (the person in charge) and your family or classroom? This can be a long, excruciating, and difficult process, but in the end- ask yourself, “Have you ever been motivated to pursue anything you didn’t buy into?” If you didn’t buy into honesty, cooperation, helpfulness, education, and collaboration- you would have never pursued them to begin with. The secret- take time to build the fence before you start training the horses. Otherwise, you’ll spend your life trying to lasso them and wondering why they keep running away. Take care, Dr. Bird |
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