This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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The Media Damaged My Kids! Dear Dr. Bird, I have a unique problem with my children. They are 6 and 8 year old girls. As Sarah and Amy have grown older they have become increasingly aggressive and I don’t know what to do. I know what has happened to them but I can’t seem to find a cure. It started when they were younger. I would put them to bed together and they would beat each other up relentlessly until I separated them. For years it seems like I have tried everything but it doesn’t work. Now it seems like they can’t play together, eat together, or do much of anything without lashing out. I now regret allowing them to go to daycare when they were younger, and letting them watch mainstream movies and TV, but I am afraid the damage may be irreversible. I believe when it comes to parenting, no one does it better than me. I have nurtured them since birth, taken them to activities, worked hard to send them to good schools, and provided for every one of their needs. I am a good parent but I’ve run out of skills to deal with such an aggressive culture. I know that one day this whole cultural thing is going to have a backlash and a massive lawsuit against the media, but in the meantime, my kids are damaged! What can I do to turn it around? Please help! Hopeful and Confused Dear Hopeful, First of all I would suggest that you understand how aggression gets started. It is a product of learning and aggression has been in our environment since the dawn of humankind (not just since the dawn of primetime TV). A future lawsuit on your part may address your need for retribution for what you believe to be the cause of your children’s behaviors, however, you are barking up the wrong tree. The media is powerful, but there are a lot of kids who play video games, watch cartoons, and go to daycare yet they are not as aggressive as others. There is only one variable you can completely control- your own behavior. Most often when I see aggressive children, they have parents who are also aggressive. They often say, “I don’t know what the problem with my children is, they never see me hit anyone!” This may be true, but it doesn’t mean that they are not learning their aggressive ways from you. These parents are often rude, impulsive, and use their verbal skills to lash out. Aggression is aggression, but adults have the verbal capacity to make others lives miserable without hitting them. A child doesn’t possess these skills, so they lash out physically and throw their tantrums and most often it is simply in another form of the tantrum they witness at home (adults often have more sophisticated tantrums). A good place to start is to do a behavior analysis of your environment for the next week. Do you ever find yourself using power over your children instead of collaboration? Do you snap at waitresses and clerks? Do you honk at others excessively because you believe everyone on the road is an idiot except you? Do you throw out little sarcastic barbs to your spouse or loved ones? It’s a tough pill to swallow but 99% of the time, aggressive children are mimicking the adults in their lives. You are the primary influence in their life, and your behavior is most likely a primary cause. This may be tough to accept but I have a guarantee for you- in a few years you will no longer be able to physically restrain them and it will really get tough as they lash out at you. The media may be an influence, but you control their access to it, and you are their day-to-day role model. You need to make an investment in your well-being. It may be difficult to face, but never be too proud to get help and seek therapy. Invest in yourself. Becoming a more peaceful person may be best investment you ever make. |
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