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This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships.  Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. 

Dear Dr. Bird - Question of the Week

The Nuts Have The Power!

Dear Dr. Bird,

I recently heard you speak in New York City and I can’t begin to tell you how inspired I was!  One of the things that really hit home was what you said about “giving up your personal power to the nuts in your life.”  I am one of those people and ever since I heard you speak I have tried so hard to work on that.  My problem, Dr. Bird, is letting go, and forgiving.  When someone is constantly saying mean things behind your back- I know I shouldn’t let them take control of my thoughts- but I do!

One of my co-workers has a mean streak.  She says mean things of others and of me (sadly, she was once a friend), and I have a hard time being around her.  I really know what I should be doing (letting it go), but I can’t!  Please help, I stress out for the rest of the day every time I see her.  It really irks me that she will never have to pay for all her meanness!

Sincerely, Can’t Let Go In Queens

Dear Can’t Let Go,

I do believe it is easier said than done.  You need to ask yourself- what do I want?  Is it to make them pay for their meanness?  Do you want to see them suffer for their transgressions?  Or, do you want to get along better with them?  Or, finally do you simply want personal peace in the matter?

In the end, it’s a lot like the old serenity prayer- we all want the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think the best place to start is with the wisdom.  You need to understand that there will always be mean people in the world.  It would be nice to change all of them, but the truth is this- you never will.  Would it make the world a better place if (as you say) she would have to “pay for all her meanness?”  It might make you feel better for that fleeting moment, but in the end the world would be a lesser place. So what's the key?  Pursue personal peace.  It's the only thing you can completely control in your life, and remember that every moment you spend obsessing on the idiots in the world- it keeps you from being the person you want to be.  You'll be less of a friend, spouse, co-worker, or neighbor in every moment you spend occupied with having others "pay for their meanness."  It's simply not worth it.  Your life is worth more than that.

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Last modified: November 17, 2008