Click on the camera below for a sample presentation of Dr. Bird- "The Jerk Whisperer"

This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships.  Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. 

Walk Away or Fight?

Dear Dr. Bird,

 I am a teacher and I am writing to share with you an experience we had at a faculty workshop at which you presented.  (I often force myself to sit up front in order to "behave." Teaching middle school sometimes rubs off ill behaviors onto the teachers!)  During the workshop, several of us were frustrated by a woman sitting directly behind us.  She spoke the ENTIRE time, commented on things that were said, debated with the people sitting with her (from her school, I can only assume), and flipped through a magazine, commenting on the inadequacies of the models on the pages.  I was floored that this individual was part of, much less accepted, as a teacher in her school.  At one point I turned around and looked to see who was speaking, and she rolled her eyes and when I turned back to face front, she called me a name I cannot type in this letter.  Ordinarily, I may have turned around and said something like, "You are very observant, that is exactly what I am."  But I knew from her behavior that she would think nothing of launching a verbal assault on me right in front of 200 people.  I ignored her and she made comments about other people in my row who also turned to look at her. 
 
The priceless part of my story is that during the second session, she purchased your book and went to get it signed.  And then talked AGAIN throughout the entire workshop!  I realized that she is probably not aware of her behavior and cannot understand why my friends and I found fault with her.  I am a relatively confident person and not terrified of confrontation, yet I held back with her.  You made jokes about teachers being talkative, but I conduct professional development for a living and know that it is possible for teachers to be considerate and attentive to a speaker, especially when someone can captivate an audience!  We make too many excuses in our profession for people who are simply rude!  Dr. Bird, my problem is (like many others I believe) I don’t seem to have the tools to always deal with people in these situations.  The most frustrating part is that she is the first to complain if students are inconsiderate!  And, people like her never seem to respond to even the most polite requests!  I need a magic wand!  Help!

Sincerely,

Fed up with the “Rudes”

Dear Fed Up,

 I hear your complaint loud and clear (but probably not as loud as the person who sat behind you).  Your problem is more common today than ever before.  We even have a lot of books that tell us all about how rude we’ve become.  The problem is however-  what do we do?  We hear loud cell phone conversations in quiet restaurants, talking in movies, and rude distractions in the middle of workshops (like the one you attended).   

The best place to start is to understand what doesn’t work.  Icy glares, eye rolling, loud throat clearing grunts, and staring contests have never worked nor will they ever do the trick.  Why?  Because rude people see these actions as an attack on their behavior.   I can’t give you a magic wand that can help you deal with every situation, but I can tell you that if we attack we often put the individual in a position where they now need to win.  This is why the woman you described continued to be rude and become even more aggressive.  Part of her problem is her belief that she has entitlement to act this way.  People who do these things have deeply embedded character flaws.   They are what we call Personality Disorders.   Personality Disorders all have one common trait- they don’t see themselves the way others see them.  This also means that they are not quick to change nor do they have enough of a conscience to feel remorse or guilt if they have been rude to someone else.  Therein lies the problem- no matter what we say to these people, they probably won’t “get it.” 

So, the question is- where do we start?  I would suggest a few things that may not result in a perfect outcome, but they may increase your chances for success.  First- Own your thoughts and feelings.  Rather than ask, “Could you please shut up?”  Try “I’m having a hard time hearing and I was wondering if you could help me out...”   Be careful of your tone because it’s possible to say those words with kindness or with a venom-laced sarcastic tone.   Second, whatever you do, don’t join her.  If you become as aggressive as her, you will also become as miserable as her.  Third, whatever you do, don’t relinquish your power.  If you obsess, steam over, boil over, or pitch your own fit, you’ve let the rude person win control over your life (and they love to do this). 

Last week I was out to dinner and there was a table with two young men and two young women and it seemed like every 5^th word was a 4-letter word.  Many people at the tables around them felt uncomfortable.  A father and his two young children sat at a table next to them.  After a couple of requests to the table and one request to the waiter, he eventually asked to move his family to a more peaceful area of the restaurant.

You may say- “That’s not fair! He shouldn’t have to do that!”  I would agree but he exercised a choice and the choice resulted in less stress for himself and his family rather than more anguish.

Sometimes we have to move away from the knuckleheads to make ourselves more peaceful.  If we stay, we choose to battle.  Sometimes the best way to avoid a battle is to lay the weapons down and walk away.  In the case of the family, it resulted in a more peaceful dinner.

The bottom line question?  Ask yourself - What’s my goal?  Do I need to win? Serve justice?  Teach a lesson?  Or, simply have a peaceful afternoon?  It often takes a lot more courage to walk away from idiots than it does to join them.  You can be just as proud of yourself if have to move to another seat, or go to the management and ask for your money back, or see that movie, or eat that meal on another day.  It’s better than ruining the entire experience for yourself.

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Last modified: November 17, 2008