This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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Dear Dr. Bird Question of the Week Charmer Leaves Scars Dear Dr. Bird, In
some of your recent letters you have talked about concealed and
clever bullies. I am a Junior High School teacher and I need some help on two
issues. First, I have
one of those students in my class and I find it difficult to catch
him because he is what I would call a “charmer” -a sweet
manipulator. Second,
I’m having difficulty being nice to him because I experienced
someone just like this in my own childhood.
Everyone loved this person and she was a charmer (just like
many students, I thought she was my friend) – yet, in reality
she was no more then a bully.
This has left scars and I’m still angry that no adult
stepped up to the plate to do something about it.
How can I best handle this student in order to protect
others from further mistreatment and future resentment? Sincerely,
Still Scarred Dear
Scarred, This
is an important crossroad for you.
I say this because now (as an adult) you have the power.
It would be easy to “read the riot act” to the bully
because you are angry (and in some way try to get the justice you
never had as a child). You
may be momentarily gratified because you feel you can finally give
a bully what you believe they have coming to them, but you also
know that this will do no good.
Punishment stops behavior, but it doesn’t teach a new
skill. The
mere fact that you still resent your childhood experience tells me
that you are still angry toward her.
If you turn this anger toward today’s bullies, they will
become worse. There
are two things you need to do.
First, create a plan for how you will deal with the
bully’s strengths. Most
bullies have certain skills to develop power over others, and your
job is to see the positive traits in them and work toward using
those traits in a positive manner.
You described the person in your childhood as a
“charmer.” This
means she turned on her charisma to manipulate others for the
purpose of hurting them. This
person has power whether you like it or not.
Your task is to see the value of this power and its
potential to shape others not hurt them.
In a nutshell, get them to use all of their talent to make
the world a better place. For
example, I’ve known of some inner city counselors who were
former gang members. Somewhere
along the line it took a kind heart to steer their talents to
helping others and not hurting them and in the end, isn’t this
what we want for true justice?
To make the world better? Or, to make sure everyone feels
the pain you think they deserve? Turning them around can be the greatest contribution you can
make to these horrible situations.
Remember, these are insecure children in need of strong
adults. Second,
the greatest personal gift any of us can give ourselves is this-
the gift of letting go. If
you were terrorized on the playground and lost personal power as a
child, don’t let it continue into your adult life.
Resentment, and harboring ill will are self-destructive
thoughts. We know
from research that individuals who obsess on vengeance,
punishment, and retaliation, are highly stressed people who often
have higher blood pressure and a greater likelihood of heart
disease. Letting go
not only makes the world a better place, it gives you more life!
There are many people in this world just like you. They are adults who wonder- what can I do about my childhood scars? It’s unfortunate that anyone must endure physical, emotional, or psychological abuse. Find a way to put your compassion toward helping others and releasing the bonds that hold you back. Every ill thought we let go will free up space in our thoughts for the things we deserve- peace, love, and hope. For great reading I suggest The Little Book of Letting Go, or The Power of Patience (go to my Nonviolence Links for references on both of these books (quick reads- worth their weight in gold!). |
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