This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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Dear Dr. Bird - Question of the Week
Kindness is not Enough! Dear Dr. Bird, I have heard you speak and I read your book. I appreciate a lot of the important messages about kindness and compassion. As a teacher, I try to treat people with as much kindness as I can but I am still troubled. My problem is that I believe that no matter how kind you are to people, it doesn’t always help. It feels like I get walked on by people, and I am mistreated regardless of how much goodness I give to others. I become frustrated with the meanness in this world. Help me understand what I can do to make a bigger difference with others. Sincerely, Exasperated Dear Exasperated, I hear you loud and clear, and I want to start by saying- don’t give up! I hear a lot of good people in this world saying the same thing as you. I believe that kindness, goodness, and compassion are the most important things you will ever know, but I don’t believe that they will save you from other’s meanness. First of all, I believe that to be effective parents, leaders, or educators we need three essential professional components. We need the compassion you mentioned, and two other dimensions- science and skills. Using science means that you need to think like a scientist- effective leaders have an effective philosophy. They also employ effective skills. They take risks and are always determined to finds solutions. Decent people are treated like doormats everyday, but what makes them a receiver for the dirty shoes is that they aren’t learning and they aren’t changing their behavior. In other words, look at the most effective teacher you ever had- chances are they had great compassion but were also very firm. Just because you are kind doesn’t mean you have to be soft. When we want to assert ourselves we can use civility but also a relentless assertiveness. Effective communicators choose their battles carefully, exercise consistent strategies, and constantly try to learn new ways to improve themselves. It’s just like a close personal relationship, perhaps with a loved one- you learn to let certain things go, be insistent on things that really matter, and look for ineffective behaviors in yourself that make keep you from being closer. The bottom line? Stay the course. Consult. Ask for help. Seek out information. Whatever you do, don’t forget your passion. If you give in and give up, you may become like the people you despise- apathetic and cynical. It’s worth it to stay true to yourself, and if people are mean- become more kind. I had a friend once tell me that she had gone to a supervisor to ask for advice on how to deal with a mean person. Her supervisor told her, “You may never change them, but do you know what you have to be thankful for? Be thankful you’re not like them.” Such a wonderful piece of wisdom! Be you. In the end, you’ll have the pride in knowing you didn’t join them. |
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