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This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships.  Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. 

Dear Dr. Bird - Question of the Week

Family Anger is Frightening

Dear Dr. Bird,
We have a blended family and my husband was recently awarded custody of his fourteen year old son. The young man was suspended from school six times last year for "anger" outbursts. Since he has been with us, he seems very content with the routine and stability of our home. My problem is my other son. My sixteen year old is very upset with this situation. He has been doing things that I was unaware of (such as damaging others property) and was just arrested. I have had a few very good conversations with him to ask him how he feels.  He told me that he thought it wasn't a big deal; is not concerned, and doesn't think it will lead to trouble.  Dr. Bird- what's happening in our family and what can I do?  

Sincerely, Frightened Mother

Dear Frightened, 

I think that one of the most unsettling things that can happen to any family is a change in behavior that leads to socially inappropriate behavior, or in your case, leads to a crime.  You need to think of your family as a system, much like an engine.  When this engine is firing on all cylinders, you get a smooth ride.  If you introduce something new to the engine that it is unaccustomed to, all the pistons will be affected.  Your engine was expected to keep running the same, but that's impossible, it now has to run differently to accommodate the new addition.  

All behavior is purposeful especially within a system.  I have done a lot of group therapy and in all effective groups, each member has to relinquish a little of his/her control in order to be at peace within the group.  For example, think of "control" in the bigger picture of life.  Miserable people always want life to proceed in a certain manner and they get upset whenever they can't control a situation.  They are the first ones to blow a gasket when they are in long lines, or stuck in traffic.  At work, they will either dominate the group as an over-controller.  Or, if they feel like the group is controlling them, they leave the group and spread rumors about a group member.  In either case, they can't stand it when they can't have things a certain way and it all revolves around control issues.

In the case of your family, the violent behavior may be the way a person expresses that they are feeling out of control.  So, the violence is really a symptom of the pain that the family is feeling, and the individual is expressing that pain impulsively.  All of us deal with our distress differently.  In a family that is feeling pain, one may withdraw, another may overachieve, and another may act out.  In either case, all the cylinders in the engine are trying to act independently instead of together.

The key is to create change within the family, think about the triggers in the family that set off the distress, and find ways to reduce the pressure on the whole system.  Start with family council, making sure that you create an environment where everyone feels safe to express their emotions.  Acknowledge to all family members that life will now be different and the new addition means that new roles and expectations will have to occur in order to keep things running smoothly. Also, consider seeking family counseling, asking the members to commit to just a few sessions (it's much less intimidating than thinking of it as long term).  As long as there is tension, it's important to address it.  Pain is a normal part of life, but it has to be balanced in with the work and with the joy.  Find a balance in the system where everyone can feel like they will be able to add something to comfort others, give up a little ground for the sake of harmony, and feel like they are important and respected.

Keep up the good efforts, every moment you spend working on the engine, the longer you will have a smoother ride.     

Best wishes, Dr. Bird

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Last modified: November 17, 2008