QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Frustrated Parent Asks Other Parents for Help -

Dear Dr. Bird,

My son was bullied so badly at school that I decided to remove him for his protection.  He was a target because he does not like violence.  He was kicked, pushed, threatened, shoved into lockers, and repeatedly threatened.  I have lived in my community for the past two years and here is my problem; I’ve been trying to get a group of parents together, and when I call for a meeting, no parents are showing up.  A friend of mine said that perseverance will pay off, but I feel like giving up.  How can I get the parents to take this issue seriously?  How can I convince them that if they show up, they will make a difference?   

Sincerely, Unsure Parent

Dear Unsure,

First of all, it sounds like you love your son very much.  It’s wonderful that you have decided to attend to a very serious issue.  Bullying of any kind is a terrible experience (even adults do it – have you ever had a tyrant for a boss?).  It will take a group effort to make a change.   The problem is huge and I won’t be able to fully answer it in this column, but I can get you started and help you to ask the people who need to contribute the most.

There are three groups of people who need to be heavily involved in order to change the culture of bullying.  These groups are Parents, Schools, and Student Peers.  Each of them plays a role in the outcome.  Schools need to have safety plans (check my nonviolence links page for the laws).  In every district and school there should be plans for conflict resolution, peer mediation, and improving communication with students. 

Students can also get themselves involved (with the sponsor of concerned teachers and administrators) to help create Campus Climate Groups.  There is a lot of literature and there are websites (see my links) that can help to create these groups and help students to better understand this issue.  The main thing we need to teach them to do is to step up and act.  This is not just for the bullied victim, or the authority, but also the bystander.  It’s the kids who are standing around that make the real difference.  If they let it go; it will increase.  If they step in; it will decrease. 

It’s also important that the parents of the popular kids teach them how to be peacemakers.  Parents play a huge role and their involvement is vital to your situation.  If you are discovering that no parents are showing up for your meetings, it could be for a couple of reasons.  They either believe that there is no problem, or you may be unaware that you are scaring them away.  Be sure to use tact when you approach the school and the other parents. 

Everyone would agree that violence and bullying exists, and many parents may be happy that “It’s not my kid.”  You can easily form groups within your own Parent Teacher Association, and volunteer to help with the school’s culture.  There are a lot of campaigns such as “Don’t Laugh at Me” (see links) and they can help you get started.  You need to place all of your energy into solutions, not problems.  It’s important that people see you as a spokesperson for kindness, patience, and reason (you can’t lose your cool).  If people begin to see you as a zealot ready to attack, you will surely frighten the people you need the most.