Mom Gets Scuffed Up as Human Doormat

FIRMNESS

Dear Dr. Bird,

I feel like I’m losing my grip on being a good parent!  If my children talk back to me I give in.  If my children pitch a fit I let them have their way.  My husband says that I am too easy on them.  He says it’s okay to raise your voice and your hand – when needed.  I believe that you can’t love a child too much, but I also feel like I’ve become a doormat.  How can I be loving and tough with them at the same time?

 Please help,    Doormat Mom

 Dear Doormat, 

One of the myths that we have in our culture is that we need to be callous and cruel in order to be productive or effective.  We’ve often believe that we need to be a tough drill sergeant in order to be an effective boss, administrator, leader, or parent.  It's simply not true.  You can be very firm and caring at the same time.

Think about your own life – who was the worst boss you ever had?  Who was the worst teacher or parent you ever knew? How did they treat you?  Chances are, they were so consumed with controlling you that they believed they had a license to be a jerk.  I once had a boss that used to justify her actions by saying, “We need to have an environment of healthy tension, it keeps people on their toes!”  The only thing it accomplished was people avoiding her and despising her abusive treatment.

If you go back into your own memory and recall the best teacher or parent you ever knew, they probably treated you with fairness and with firmness, and created no excuses to be a jerk.  The most effective parents are those who are very firm with their children, but demonstrate kindness at the same time.  The end result is the formation of a healthy relationship.  Effective leaders never have to abuse others to get things done.

Have you ever seen a parent screaming and beating their child in a store?  What did the parent accomplish? (Other than winning a war with a 4 year-old?) Have you also seen a child pitching a fit, and the parent simply tells them in a kind and caring voice, “No, you can’t have the toy.”  Even if they continue to pitch a fit, the parent calmly teaches them that this behavior accomplishes nothing.  We don’t have to beat them, scream at them, jolt them with the Kiddie-cattle-prod, or abuse them in order to teach this lesson.  We simply have to be firm, and exercise civility at the same time.   We know from developmental child psychology that children will continue behaviors if they work. 

If little Bobby pitches a fit and it works, little Bobby will do it again, and again, and again, and again – and one day we will have the honor of experiencing big Bobby as the jerk giving us the finger on the highway.  We also have to remember if we allow irresponsibility then we are also being irresponsible.  Avoid passivity, avoid aggression, and exercise assertiveness (with civility). 

Always keep in mind what you are teaching your children.  They are learning that it’s acceptable to have doormats in their lives.  They are learning that it’s okay to find doormats and stomp on them.  They are learning that it’s acceptable to abuse others.  Is this what you really want to teach them?  Continue to be kind (you can be kind and firm at the same time), but shake the dust off that doormat and throw it out with the garbage.  They deserve better and so do you!