Little Reminders on the Backside Are Violence

PUNISHMENT

 Dear Dr. Bird,

             My wife and I have had an ongoing disagreement in the past year on the issue of punishment.  We have a 2 ½ year-old daughter.  She is a normal child but sometimes she throws tantrums and acts out.  I was raised by parents who believed that an occasional spanking was the best way to solve those problems.  My wife says that we should never spank our children.  I know that today’s psychologists say we shouldn’t hit our kids, and I agree, but this is just a quick reminder on the lower backside where no one gets hurt.  It didn’t hurt me and I turned out okay.  I believe that children deserve some firm reminders to keep them on track. Who is right?

Firm Dad

Dear Firm Dad,

            When was the last time you came home from work and said, “Hey, I got quite a beating from my boss today but I had it coming and it really helps me to stay on track!”  We have to re-think our position on the ideas of, spanking to solve problems, it didn’t hurt me, and what children deserve.  These are fairly common expressions that we hear, but we need to ask ourselves, “Would these things work for me?” 

Common sense tells us two things.  First, motivating with fear is ineffective.  If I behave in a certain manner because I’m afraid of a beating, then I’m not really cooperative at all, I’m simply obedient.  Ask yourself, “Do I feel like working harder for a boss that is a tyrant? Or a boss that is collaborative?”  Second, we need to understand that punishment may stop a behavior but it doesn’t teach a new one and cruelty has never served humanity in any productive way. 

I remember my brother getting a swat on the rear end because he hit me during an argument.  After my mother spanked him she asked, “Have you learned your lesson?”  He nodded. Of course he did.  As soon as my mother left the room, my brother punched me again.  He did learn a lesson.  He learned that he needed to punch me when no one was around!  I’m sure this is hardly the lesson she had in mind. In the end, the spanking accomplished nothing. 

If your boss hits you, it will result in a call to the police department.  What makes your child any different?  When we spank children, they learn a method of dealing with unmet needs - I need to inflict pain on others when they upset me.  Children should learn that a tantrum will accomplish nothing, and this can be taught without the raising of a hand.  In regard to your statement, “…it didn’t hurt me,” you better look at your life again.  It did hurt you.  You believe that aggression works better than civility.  Soon, your child will believe this too…  just like batterers, road ragers, abusers, violent criminals, and terrorists.  Use your head and stop the chain today.