Always Being Right is Wrong Approach

Silent Partner 

   Dear Dr. Bird,

       My wife is a hard working and dedicated mother.  She does more for our three children than any other parent I know.  My problem has to do with the times that she loses her temper.  Yesterday she screamed at our teenager because he caused some of her work papers to fall out of the car when we were in a parking lot.  Her profanities and tirade was the worst I had ever seen.  When these things happen, our entire house goes into numb silence for the next few hours.  The last few times she has done this, I have asked her if she was going to apologize.  This time when I asked her, she lit into me just like I was one of the children.  In most cases, she defends herself by saying, “I am not apologizing because I was not wrong.”  Dr. Bird I need a new method for approaching her – what should I do?

Quietly yours, A Silent Partner

Dear Silent,

I’m afraid that your partner has created a frame of mind where she believes – as long as I’m right, I have a license to stomp.  Most of us can think of that stomper who was a co-worker or a boss who mistreated others in the name of – "I was right!"  Their goal is to be right and not to be understanding, kind, patient, or helpful (or even productive for that matter).  I guarantee that if we search our memories for the most ineffective leader, teacher, or parent, or boss, we will find two characteristics – they were never wrong and they never apologized.  This was their method for staying in control of the situation.  Unfortunately they lost control of the relationship in the process and they will continue to lose respect with every exchange. 

            You need to insist on a change in your family dynamics.  These attacks will do nothing more than cause a lot of lifelong pain for all of your family members.  There are three things that stompers need – first, they need to admit they are wrong, and secondly they need to apologize.   The third thing they need is the most important – they need a plan to change.  It’s wonderful to apologize, but it’s even more important to take steps to change our behaviors when we have hurt others.

            Try to use different levels of resources to help your partner.  It will all start with an admission of wrongdoing.  You need to catch them at a time when tempers are not flying high and have a one-on-one discussion.  You need to let them be aware of what’s at stake – their closest relationships.  Are they willing to read, seek out help, go to family counseling, go to individual counseling, or attend an effective parenting workshop?   If they are – go with them! Read with them!  Listen with them! And talk with them!  You are in this together, and it’s the most important partnership you will ever know.  Finally, when you get a good plan, share it with your children, and become a role model for how we can work together to make our relationships stronger.