Words Leave Scars Too

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Violence - Sticks and Stones? - 

Dear Dr. Bird,

             At my workplace we had had an ongoing disagreement on the subject of violence.  The discussion started when one of our friends was going through a divorce.  She was a devastated by the relationship and needed a lot of psychotherapy to deal with her anxiety, depression, and even thoughts of suicide.  Her husband treated her horribly and I have told others that I consider him violent.  My friends disagree and say he’s verbally abusive but not violent because he never laid a hand on her.  Help me out with this Dr. Bird, I believe that, “Sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can hurt even more.”

Please help,  friend of a victim

Dear Friend,

In the course of our lives, we can all recall moments of bliss when someone gave us an eloquent arrangement of words that touched our hearts.  Human language can be an art form that can move mountains and change lives forever.  Some are so simple, such as an “I love you,” or “Thank you,” or “God bless you,” and some words, when arranged in a hurtful manner can change our lives in ways that give us permanent scars.

You are right, and you need to convince your friends to expand their understanding of the issue.  To violate is to cross a boundary where one harms another and causes harm.  When you buy into the belief that violence is limited to only fists, guns, and knives- you are believing that it’s okay to hurt people with words.

I have spoken to numerous audiences and thousands of people over the years on the subject of violence prevention.  I have addressed communities, colleges, schools, and parent groups on how to deal with violence.  At the outset, I make it one of my strongest points – We have to expand our definition of violence.  Your friend probably would have healed quicker from some physical wounds than she would from a psychological wound.   Some oppressive relationships cause wounds that can literally kill us.  Perhaps that was the case with your friend who had suicidal thoughts.  Be aware of verbal aggression, and always try to create verbal kindness.  Be sensitive to violence in all forms, it may save a life.