Question of the week -

Spoiling or Loving?

Dear Dr. Bird,

 How do you know the difference between spoiling your child and merely loving them?  Especially as a working parent my time with my child is limited. 

Sincerely, 

Sleepless in Maine

Dear Sleepless, 

Like many other parents who need to work to support ourselves, we may feel a little guilty for the time we spend apart from our children.  This is common, but the mere fact that you are thinking about it tells me that you have given the issue some thought.  There's a couple of things I would suggest you think about.  First of all, let's examine the two words- spoil and love.   

To spoil someone you overindulge them to such a degree that you may cause them to have unreasonable demands or a sense of entitlement.   Sometimes when we spoil children, we give them a license to demand a lot of others or expect more than is reasonable.  

To love someone means that you are devoted to them.  You can never love a child too much.  In fact, a problem we have with raising our children is that we may not be devoted enough.  We just have to be sure that we are not measuring devotion by the number of possessions we are handing out.  I think that successful parents are able to give their children a lot of love, and a lot of quality time.  They are able to build a solid relationship where the child desires the love, approval, and time with the adult more so than being showered with unconditional possessions.  

It's wonderful to provide opportunities and possessions for our children, but if the measurement of the relationship has more to do with external rewards than the intrinsic ones, you may want to reevaluate how your time is spent together.

Even though your question is short, the answer is very complicated.  Just be sure that you never love or give things out of guilt.  If you do, you will always weaken your relationship.  When we give out of love - we give from the heart.  When we give out of guilt, it is due to a vague feeling of inadequacy in the relationship.  If the relationship comes first, the appreciation will always follow.   Sometimes we find that the closest we are to our loved ones are the times when we had the least to give.

I think it's tough for working parents, but not impossible to keep firm boundaries.  Your motivation in raising a child is to move from complete dependence (the newborn that needs everything), to solid independence (the older child who can make good decisions, be a good citizen, make ethical decisions, provide for themselves, and take care of themselves).  

A spoiled child will never achieve independence, and every time you feel like you are in a dilemma, ask yourself-  Is doing what I am doing producing a stronger child or a more dependent child?  Never feel guilty about loving too much, the world always needs more.