What can I do with a teen who has to be "right" about everything? 

Dear Dr. Bird,

 I can't seem to get the tension in my home under control.  My fifteen year-old son needs to win every argument and needs to be "right" about everything.  The arguments produce an enormous amount of stress.  As his mother, I just walk away when he is like this, but my husband gets really fired up.  Dr. Bird, this feels like the most stressful time in all of my years of child rearing.  His older sister was argumentative, but never this bad.  I feel like the smallest of things can set our house off into a mini war.  What can I do to bring the peace?

Sincerely, Peacekeeper Wannabe

Dear Peacekeeper,

Bless you.  Bless any parent who has a teenager.  It's a tough time but rest assured that your situation is not unique.  I would suppose if you reflected on your own youth you would remember that you also challenged your parents or guardians during that time.  Much of it is natural, and you may remember that when you were 15 you saw the world as fifteen year-olds do.  As you were finding your identity, you wanted the best of both worlds.  You wanted to succeed- but you didn't always want responsibility.  You wanted to be unique - but you were dying to fit in.  You wanted independence- but you appreciated the security of a home.  

It's a tough time for parents but it's also an important time to be a sane figure in their lives.  If your husband is exploding, be careful and seek out family counseling if you feel things are out of control (it's what smart families do).  For the most part, I would advise you to think about three things. 

First, remember that this stage will not last forever, but your relationship will.  If you implode or explode it will leave scars on you and your family's future.

Second, remember that you can't wrap your arms around a hurricane.  A big mistake we make in conflict resolution is that we try to get things right while our emotions are in high gear.  Always wait for a time when emotions settle.  Perhaps even schedule a time when you are both in a calmer place.

Third, and most important, don't play "perfect." There is no perfect answer for every argument, there are just two people trying to do the best they can.  Leave your ego out the door.  Sometimes when emotions flair, we may find ourselves bringing down the hammer and saying things like, "that's just the way it is!"  "You'll do it my way!"  "Don't push me!"  "I'll show you!"  

The problem with these emotions is that they have a tendency to damage our connections and trust.  When the need to win the battle is greater than the need for love, you'll both lose.  You're not perfect and neither is your son.  Allow for a calm moment, look them in the eye, tell them your dreams, admit that you are human, and honor their integrity.  In that moment of calmness, you will be much more effective by saying, "Listen honey, I just want to tell you that even though we may disagree, I will always love you.  What I want most for you is your safety, and your well-being.  I may not be perfect in all the decisions that I make, but believe me, your welfare is most important.  All I can do is use the years of my experience to make the best decision I can.  It's not about hurting you, it's about helping you.  Neither one of us will be perfect in all we do, but I hope that we will always keep our relationship first."

Trust your gut instinct, take a deep breath, thank the good Lord that none of us are stuck in adolescence for the rest of our lives, and always keep the relationship ahead of the issue.