This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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How
Can I Earn the Forgiveness of Others? Dear Dr. Bird, My question has to do with my wife and our relationship. We've been together for a year and things are going pretty well except when we get into disagreements. I seem to struggle with apologizing to her, and it seems like I can't win. Sometimes when I've done something stupid and I try to apologize, it seems to escalate into more tension and more fighting. Any tips on the best way to approach an apology? Sincerely, Apologetically Useless Dear Apologetic, One of the most important skills we can have in our communication with others is in the area of admitting wrongdoings and moving past them. It becomes difficult for a variety of reasons. The most common problems tend to deal with our egos. There are a couple of simple tips I would suggest for apologies. First, if you are in the heat of battle don't keep pushing. Wait until both of you are in a more calm place. We tend to listen better, and respond better after a cool down period. Second, drop the ego. Make sure that the focus isn't on being right or winning. If one person wins, you both lose. It's important that the outcome is focused on building a stronger relationship, not on one person coming out ahead. Third, and most important, if you ever do anything to intentionally hurt the other person, you will take your greatest steps backwards. Sharp words, hurtful comments, and insults are all geared toward the infliction of pain and rarely solve anything. Make sure you focus on your intent long before you open your mouth. Many years ago a German author by the name of Martin Buber wrote a book titled "I and Thou." In this book he described the highest level of love between two people. The primary characteristic of this relationship was that each member knew in his or her heart that they would never do anything to purposely hurt the other person. He said that relationships of any kind (home, work, family, etc.) rarely reach this level. If you can throw away any intention to hurt someone, I guarantee you that you will make your greatest strides. Words and actions can create long lasting wounds. I can only guarantee you one thing - you will do dumb things and hurt others (as we all will during the course of our lives). You need to be in a position where you can start your honest healing with, "I would never do anything to purposely hurt you..." |
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