This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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What's
Most Important In Relating? Dear Dr. Bird, I have a simple question. In your opinion, what’s the most important characteristic of a good relationship? I’ve read every book from Mars to Venus and I’ve listened to every expert in the business. I’ve heard so many different things that I would like to hear what you believe. Is it forgiveness? Communication? Patience? Flexibility? Selflessness? Quality time? What is it? Sincerely, Confused About Love Dear Confused, I would have to agree that it seems like there are a lot of ingredients in the big soup bowl of love. My personal belief is that each of these ingredients are related to one single aspect of our relationships- the motivation to improve others. I’ve been asked this question before and I truly believe that every relationship as we know it could improve if we asked ourselves – are my behaviors, choice of words, and actions intended to improve the other person or bring harm to them? The problem is that we hide behind a lot of self-constructed “excuse walls” and tell ourselves such things as “some people just can’t handle the truth… I’m only saying this for your own good… You had it coming…” We may use these excuses to tell ourselves that we are entitled to hurt others. The bottom line is this – the most important characteristic of any healthy relationship is that both parties would not purposely do anything to hurt the other. There are a million ways that we can try to intentionally make others feel our pain, and they are easy to do. Some are overt such as violence, verbal abuse, and raised voices. Others are more devious but have the same intention - the silent treatment, the eye roll, the sarcastic remark, or the biting criticism. The problem is that we find ways to justify our cruelty and believe that we had a right to mistreat others. Whenever we justify our harmful behaviors we are driving wedges into our human connections. All of us will hurt others (knowingly and unknowingly), but all of those things you mentioned – forgiveness, communication, patience, flexibility, selflessness, and quality time, are instantly poisoned when our intention is to hurt others. It may be easier to be impatient and harmful, and it may appease some momentary need to come out on top, but unfortunately when we hurt others it also makes it more difficult to repair the bridge and regain what we had before. The great author Leo Buscaglia once said, “If you can’t find it in your heart to love others, could you for at least one day- not hurt anyone? If each of us could do this one small thing, the world would be an infinitely better place.” We need to be kind, we need to be cautious, but we need to leave our false pride behind when it comes to our relationships. In the long run, the ability to do as little harm to others as possible may be the greatest virtue of all. |
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