Question of the week 

Tough Dad Mixed Up About Tough Love

Dear Dr. Bird,

            I was raised with a lot of discipline.  I never talked back to my Dad or I got a backhand across the face.  I believe that a tough environment is exactly what kids need today.  The other night ago I was with my 4 year-old child at our community recreation center, and I gave him swat for giving me lip (it was a just a gentle swat on the lower end).  One of the workers there told me that I had to leave because children shouldn’t be beaten.  It was not a spanking, it was just a quick swat to get his attention.  Surely, you would have to agree that all kids could use more discipline and a swat once in a while.  Also, it’s my child, I think I can raise them the way I want to.  How can I tell the people who work there that I have a right to be a firm disciplinarian if I choose?   I believe what kids need today is more tough love.

Tough Love Dad 

 Dear Tough Dad,

Your response to your children – like your Dad’s was a reaction.  You did wrong, so you need to feel my pain.  I’m sorry but the people who work there had the right to tell you that your behavior was inappropriate.  It wasn’t just inappropriate because it was done in public - it’s inappropriate human behavior.  Most acts of aggression are inappropriate responses to our personal anger. 

Sometimes we need force (police action, military, etc.) in order to contain or stop abusive or aggressive behavior.  In all cases, it should be used as a last resort.  In regard to your four year-old, physical violence is unnecessary.  There’s no emergency and there’s no crisis.  If they are acting out, they need to learn that this behavior doesn’t solve anything, and they can be removed calmly, and taught a lesson without the infliction of physical pain. 

An important question I need to ask you is - how would you respond to the officer who gives you a parking ticket and then gives you a gentle swat to get your attention?  If you really believe in these “gentle swats,” why aren’t you lobbying for laws that would allow for all authority (teachers, police, day care workers, etc.) to give out a helping of gentle swats to anyone in public who is doing something wrong?  If you think you have the right to violate because it’s “my child,” you may want to reconsider.  No human being owns another human being.  Children, just like you, are protected by a society with laws.  From the moment they are born, they are protected by the state, and if anyone (including yourself) harms them, they are in violation of the law.  Just because you brought them into this world, it doesn’t mean that you can treat them as you please.  Remove “My” from your vocabulary when talking about other humans, (my… wife, secretary, child…).  You may be responsible for other’s welfare, but you don’t own them and have no right to hurt them.

            Finally, your last statement about “tough love” is missing the mark. If you want to define love to include the purposeful infliction of cruelty and pain, you’re really missing out on true love.