This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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Dealing
With Nutty Co-Worker is Stressing! Dear Dr. Bird, I work closely with a person who constantly treats me with disrespect. She uses a curt tone of voice, disagrees with everything I say, sends terse e-mails, and meets every one of my new ideas with resistance. I’m not going to ask you how to deal with her. I know I should talk to her. I also know that sometimes people are just mean, and I know that I can’t change her. I continue to treat her nice, even though she treats me with rudeness. I actually pity her. My problem is, Dr. Bird, I think about our exchanges all day long. They stress me out, make me anxious, and sometimes they take away from my personal life- it makes me have a bad mood at home – and I don’t want it! My kids and husband deserve better! How can I leave my stress work at work? Sincerely, Obsessed with nutty people! Dear Obsessed, I once had a person in a counseling group say something very profound- she said “You can’t solve a problem if it’s not your own.” It seems simple but the quickest path to insanity is to own another’s problem. The key is to deal with neurotic people, but don’t own their problems. Sometimes it seems like miserable people have only one goal- to spread their misery. If the person with whom you are trying to make peace doesn’t respond to a peaceful approach, the best thing you can do is let them be. It sounds to me like you are a caring person and you are true to yourself because you continually treat her with civility. Unfortunately, it can still be difficult to let go of the anxiety we experience when we are trampled. It’s important that you take note of what you said, “…they stress me out, make me anxious…” It’s impossible for others to cause your stress. It’s your reaction to her that causes your stress, not her! Try this- take inventory of how much of your day you spend thinking about her. Compare it to how much time you actually spend around her. If you spend an hour in direct exchanges with her- your goal should be to give her only an hour of your personal power per day. Make a short list of the things that you would rather think about instead of her. For instance, you may have- “1. I am a decent person and I do good things for others. 2. I love my family and they will always get the best from me. 3. I am proud that I am true to my values. 4. I am above the miserable pettiness in this world.” Pull out your list when you are stressing, take a deep breath, and ask yourself – “Am I putting my thoughts into things that really matter, or am I joining the miserable nuts of the world?” I applaud you for keeping your cool and continuing to treat her nice (using kindness with miserable nuts is one of the most difficult tasks in life). I’m glad you didn’t join her hostility, it’s a measure of your character, and I hope you continue to keep your warm spirit alive. It’s a battle in life worth pursuing – we need to discuss, disagree, and work together with civility – no one has a license to hurt us, and no one has the right to own our power over our feelings. Let them be neurotic. If you give them your power you’ve only weakened yourself. And, most importantly when you become nutty like your co-worker, you’re keeping your beauty, energy, and spirit from those who need it the most- your family, friends, and yourself!
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