This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday.
This site devoted to the influence of character, kindness, and peaceful relationships. Mindful people are making a difference in the lives of others everyday. |
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Question of the Week Bickering Boys Creates Tired Parents Dear Dr. Bird, My wife and I are exhausted! Our two boys (ages 9 and 12) fight with each other from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to sleep and I have reached the end of my rope. I’ve tried everything and I can’t seem to find anything that works. I’ve tried grounding them, punishing them, separating them, and I even tried to work out rewards for getting along. There must be some secret out there for getting along that I don’t know about. All I know is I’m getting grayer and the children are getting feistier. Please help, Exhausted Dad Dear Exhausted, I hear you loud and clear. Conflicts between siblings take their toll on families. Parents report this as one of the most difficult stressors to deal with. In my new book I spend an entire chapter on the issue of civility alone. It’s not only a big issue in families but also in our culture. We often tend to hold higher regard for good fights and winning battles than we do on peaceful outcomes. Conflict between children is a complex issue. In a nutshell however, I can tell you a few things you should consider. First of all, there is no instant fix. In order to build healthy communication, you may spend years getting to where you want to be. The good news is that it can be fixed. I raised two boys and a lot of their disagreements were a natural product of having a lot of people under one roof. Conflicts are not our enemy, sometimes they teach us good social skills. You can expect them to occur and to continue to crop up for as long as they know each other. The key is not to focus on outcomes or the issues that involved in the fight. In order to bring the stress level down, we have to emphasize the process of the communication. We have to focus on civility in order to solve the problem. Compare it to any workplace in your life where tensions are high. I can guarantee you that the majority of your stress came from escalating anger, disrespect, insulting behavior, and rudeness, not the issue at hand. Our goal with our children (as with our spouses, friends, and co-workers) should be to have opportunities to disagree on anything, and still have a relationship during and after the exchange. We don’t need to hear all the details and play judge and jury for every disagreement, but we do need to hold them accountable for respectful dialogue. I highly recommend family council where every week the team sits down to address how to get through certain issues. We need to ask, “What’s going on in this process between us?” Sometimes it may also require dropping a little of our own egos (as parents) and offering apologies when we overstepped our boundaries and lacked good communication skills. In the end they will respect us more for being human (you will gain no respect if your goal is to always be right). We also need to pay careful attention to the source of these tirades. If Mom and Dad can’t treat each other, or their children, or drivers on the highway, or clerks in the store with respect and civility, how can we expect our children to do the same?
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